[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
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going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”