If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
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Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.