Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
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[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
next question.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?