Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
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there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God