Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
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Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
How it started How it’s going
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.