I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
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It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
No, I don’t think I will.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.