Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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58.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?