Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
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Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.