You Might Also Like
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.