Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
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It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
#oldknees
Name another movie that mislead you?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”