Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
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Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
taking June’s advice to heart
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.