I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
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[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Noted.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Morning my dudes.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
#NoRestForTheWicked
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.