Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
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The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Does this dress make me look cat?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
can’t talk my ride’s here
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?