Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago