Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
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I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Me as a therapist: omg same
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.