*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
You Might Also Like
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.