Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
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Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
life finds a way
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you