*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
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This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Thursday
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
This is I, Robot all over again
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do