Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
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nobody’s gonna understand
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I have questions??
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
this chia pet tastes awful
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours