[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
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Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]