canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
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Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?