Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…