Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
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Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
look at me when i’m typing to you
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.