a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
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I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently