Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
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Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Breaking news:
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery