Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
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i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again