My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
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They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…