KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
finally found a reasonable question
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad