HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU