My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Haha! 😂
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”