I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
You Might Also Like
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Get in loser we’re going crying
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you