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Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Plant care tips
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?