[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
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Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
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I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
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90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
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I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
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Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
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Hilarity ensues
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ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
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