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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
what’s the point then??