If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
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[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.