Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
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I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Mouse
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.