Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
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it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
what day is it?
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.