My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*