I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
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Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.