Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”