Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
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Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER