guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
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The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Oh thanks BBC.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”