What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
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BETRAYAL
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!