What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
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Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Finally, a door that understands me
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!