If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
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Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space