Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
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you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.