Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.