CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
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I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Employees must applaud the planets.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO