Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
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Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I鈥檒l be needing that in about 10 minutes
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can鈥檛 make you better at fortnite
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 馃槈
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they鈥檙e only divisible by themselves.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?