wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
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I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
im 7 sauces long
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Important
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Trying
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Its true…
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.